Recently I talked about the importance of trusting God. In the Bible there is a well-known passage (Proverbs 3:5-6) that talks about ”trusting God with all of your heart…” A person came up to me and said, “Okay, but how does this work? How do we learn to trust?”
I’m not entirely sure about this but my sense was that the question about learning to trust was born out of having trusted and gotten hosed. We’ve all trusted someone at some point that proved to be unworthy of our trust. Then again, it’s scary to think about how many times in my life I was “that guy?”
So I thought I’d share a few thoughts about learning to trust.
1. Initial Trust. Some people face life with a basic orientation away from trust. That is often tied to experiences from early childhood. If in the early stages of life (particularly the first year) your basic needs are not met, you learn that the world is not safe.
Unfortunately for some, it isn’t safe. It is dangerous. But with healthier relationships and emotional and spiritual healing over a period of time we can learn to to “tilt” our basic orientation toward trusting people and the world around us.
2. Incremental Trust. This is where many of us get in trouble. Some of us have a beautiful naivete—we trust people and circumstance in a way that reflects the purity of our own heart, but trusting people blindly? Not a good idea. As mentioned above, not everyone is trustworthy.
So trust incrementally…a little at a time. When you meet a person give them the initial benefit of the doubt (as you would hope they would give you). But do not trust them in ways where you could get hurt or taken advantage of.
We teach our children not to go with strangers. Why? Bad things can happen. Sometimes bad things happen to children even when we know the people—or think we do. So the rule here is to not only to trust incrementally but to trust carefully—the higher the stakes (i.e. the safety of people we love) the more cautious we are. Leaving your children with baby-sitters (or even relatives) that we think we know but really don’t (i.e. their habits, character, etc)? That’s not trust. That’s stupidity.
Trusting incrementally means that when I first meet someone I am not so guarded, suspicious and cynical that I assume they are trying to take advantage of me. On the other hand, I do not give them my credit card either. There are people to whom I would entrust with my credit card, but only because I’ve known them for a long period of time, observed their character and they’ve passed numerous “trust tests” along the way.
I trust my wife implicitly. I have known her for 32 years and been married to her for 30 years. I have seen her up close and personal deal with thousands of situations. I have seen her character over a long period of time and she has earned my trust.
But this isn’t true for all my relationships. I regularly have people who want me to trust them when I don’t know them. Sometimes they play the “God card” and boldly profess their faith, as if that is an automatic ticket into my inner world. Sorry…it doesn’t work that way.
On the other hand, I’ve seen people in my profession (pastors and church leaders) insist on a level of trust that is absent from any true accountability. The church I pastor is filled with people who have been burned by pastors they trusted. Unfortunately there are a lot of emotionally toxic people in leadership positions that misuse their positions. I wish that wasn’t true but it’s a fact.
So I would never say to anyone, “Trust me…I’m a pastor.” If anyone tries that on you…RUN! What you want to do is observe people—see if there are established patterns of humility, transparency and integrity. If not, keep a safe distance. If so, consider trusting that person one step deeper.
3. Situational Trust. I just thought of this one. While I trust my wife implicitly that is not true of everything. I trust her heart—the fundamental motivated direction of her life. But I wouldn’t trust her as my financial planner. It’s not her world. It’s not really either of our worlds, so we need to find someone else whose wisdom and counsel we can trust.
I trust my daughter’s sense of fashion. When she recommends something I take it seriously because she’s gifted in this area. I, on the other hand, am seriously fashion-challenged. Being over 50 I think I’ve earned the right to wear shorts with knee-high black socks in the summertime. For all I know that could actually be fashionable…but I doubt it :)
POINT: I trust some people in different situations based on their knowledge and expertise. But even here I exercise discernment. Just because someone understands long-term investments doesn’t mean they have my long-term interest in mind. Just ask those who invested with Bernie Madoff!
4. God Trust. Why would the Bible invite us to trust God absolutely and completely? Because God has proven himself to be absolutely and completely trustworthy. Some would argue with this based on pain and suffering in the world (why doesn’t God stop all this if he is trustworthy?). But for God to remove all the pain and suffering in the world he would have to remove the source of it all…human beings. Think about it…that means you and me.
Instead, God chose to enter the pain and suffering—to experience it himself personally—and to die a substitutionary death so that we could be forgiven. I don’t know about you, but anyone willing to take my death sentence so I can go free? I’m willing to trust that person.
So learning to trust is precisely that…something we learn over time; incrementally. However, bear this in mind: ff you hold people up to some exacting standard where they never mess up or disappoint you, you will never trust. You won’t even trust yourself, since you (and I) regularly mess up. But if we approach people and situations with an initial trust, then if the circumstances lead us to incremental trust, and if in the midst of all this we keep our ultimate trust grounded in God, we can grow in our ability to trust in ways that enrich our lives and the lives of others.
Hope that helps.
